What Are The Negative Effects of Divorce on Children?
Most children are confused, afraid, hurt, sad, angry, and anxious
when they sense or are told about their parents divorce. Interestingly,
these are the same emotions that their parents often experience
during the divorce process. It is no secret that there are many
possible negative effects children experience both during and
after a divorce. These negative effects are exacerbated when
parents are fighting over “custody” and minimized
when parents make parental decisions together, out of sincere
concern for their children’s needs. The list of potential
negative effects is long and includes:
Sadness and depression
Anger, aggression, and acting out
Opposition and non-compliance
Impulsivity
Perceived parental loss
Less parental supervision, consistent discipline and/or
contact
Loss of extended family relationships
Lower academic achievement
Interpersonal conflict
Economic difficulty
Stress
Lower self-concept
Problems with social adjustment
What Does A “Custody Battle”
Do To Families? (Promotes War)
Many divorcing parents deny that the soon to be ex-spouse is
still part of their family. The fact that they have divorced
does not end the parenting relationship. Even though they do
not live together, they often have contact in relation to the
children at least until the youngest child is eighteen and often
longer. In a custody battle, the parents are trying to “prove”
which parent is the best parent, instead of each parent being
the best parent they can be. Instead of managing their negative
emotions and working together to find the best ways to utilize
both parents’ strengths, parents often put their children
in the middle and play “tug-a-war.” As this legal
war goes on each parent uses their time, energy, and resources
to “fight” in court over who is the best. As they
do this, they often belittle and try to discredit the other
parent. What are the messages children getting from this “parental
behavior?”
Children learn:
To discredit others
To be secretive
To not trust one or both parents
To get your way at all costs
To hide the fact that they love the other parent
The list goes on and on
How Can Parenting Coordination
Help? (Promotes Peace)
In almost every case, it is better for children to have continued
contact with both parents and to be free of parental conflict.
The fact that the parenting coordinator is impartial and therefore
not aligning with either parent is paramount in the effectiveness
of the parenting coordination process. This neutrality promotes
a safe environment for parents. In this safe environment parents
can put aside and manage the pain, disappointment, fear, anxiety,
and grief associated with separation and divorce long enough
to negotiate parenting solutions that not only utilizes the
strengths of both parents but also keep the needs of the children
as a top priority. During the parenting coordination process
a skilled mental health professional uses skills learned over
many years of education and experience to help parents:
Manage their emotions
Communicate more effectively
Learn about impacts of conflict on children
Learn about children’s developmental needs
Negotiate appropriate post-divorce or separation boundaries
Identify their children’s needs
Identify mutually agreeable parenting goals
Brainstorm options to meet goals
Evaluate options to reach agreements within legal guidelines
With a signed consent for exchange of information, the parents
and the parenting coordinator are free to communicate with the
parent’s legal council to exchange any necessary information.
This freedom is helpful as it comes time for the parenting coordinator
to record written agreements, in such a way as to make drafting
of the final documents more efficient. Once the parenting coordinator
has helped the parents come up with agreements that fit their
family’s needs, he/she forwards the information to both
attorneys.
An added benefit of the parenting coordinator is their availability
through the years as the family’s needs change. When children’s
needs change or if conflict arises between the parents, the
same parenting coordinator, knowing the background and how their
agreements were reached, can be available to consult with the
parents to re-negotiate agreements instead of starting a law
suit.
When Is Parenting Coordination
Best Utilized?
Parenting coordination can be chosen by the parents, on their
own, or at the request of their attorneys at any point in the
divorce or separation process. The sooner the process starts
the more potential for the negative effects of divorce and separation
to be minimized. However, it is also beneficial after parents
have already spent countless hours and many resources in a “custody
battle”. There is still much potential for improved outcomes
for the family, when parents are ordered by the court to parenting
coordination. So, when is parenting coordination best utilized?
The answer put simply is: the sooner the better but anytime
is better than not at all!!
