by
Austin Area Counselor, Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW
Marriage counseling is an attempt to help a couple resolve any
number of types of problems they may be having in their marriage,
and to empower them to go forward and have a more successful
relationship. No matter what combination of problems, couples
seek counseling to get a better understanding of what has gone
wrong in their marriage. Throughout a marriage it is common
for resentment due to unresolved issues to build up to such
an extent that one or both partners may feel hopeless enough
to consider divorce as an option. Frequently, by the time a
married couple decides to seek professional help; they have
so much resentment built up to such a high level that their
issues are much more difficult to resolve, if not impossible.
This does not mean that the marriage can not be restored. Although
one or both partners may think that seeking marriage counseling
is an admission of failure, marriage counseling can help a couple
rebuild or restore their relationship.
Even though marriage counseling is usually conducted
with both partners present, there are times when a more motivated
partner may greatly benefit from individual sessions in regards
to the marital relationship or any personal issues affecting
their relationship. Marriage counseling usually lasts a short
period of time, until the problems are resolving or the couple
feel empowered enough to handle any remaining issues on their
own.
No one goes into a marriage thinking their marriage
may end in divorce. However, because almost half of all marriages
do end in divorce, there is an increased need for couples to
seek marriage counseling. Although many couples enter counseling
as a last-ditch effort to save a troubled relationship, marriage
counseling can be seen as a proactive way to improve or enhance
something worth preserving. Many couples struggle for years
before they make the decision to go to a marriage counselor
in an effort to”save” their marriage.
Couples do not have to wait to pursue counseling
until they think the only way out is divorce. In most cases
marriage counselors can be very effective earlier in the marriage
or when the couple first notices some problems. The main exception
to the potential effectiveness of marriage counseling occurs
when there is severe domestic violence; or even mild domestic
violence in which the offending partner or partners will not
seek help for violence issues. In most other situations, the
earlier couples seek marriage counseling the better. The longer
the couple waits and the greater the marital conflict; the harder
it is to resolve marital issues. However, if a couple has struggled
for years, it is not too late to get marriage counseling in
which the partners may renew their energies and mutual goals,
refocus their attention, as well as adding a whole new perspective
to their relationship.
Frequently marriage counseling can and often does
help couples open the lines of communication. How many times
do marriage partners say, “We just can’t communicate”?
Couples often look to marriage counseling when they can no longer
communicate with each other and are so frustrated that they
no longer know what to do. It is well accepted that communication
is a key to healthy and happy relationships. Marriage counseling
often includes the learning of communication and conflict resolution
skills, as well as increased understanding of family dynamics.
Marriage counselors are trained in family dynamics; psychoanalysis;
and know how to identify client's needs, interests, and problems.
They also have training that allows them to help clients work
through the problems and come to mutually beneficial compromises
and solutions. Equipped with therapeutic skills the counselor
is able to identify underlying problems of which the couple
may not have been aware or were not able to confront on their
own. Even a very highly functioning person may have difficulties
in a marital relationship. A skilled marriage counselor will
not do or say anything to trigger a client to feel guilty or
blame themselves or their partner for their problems. They will
teach clients to work through problems, forgive for the past,
and get over negative feelings.
Marriage counseling is worth the time and effort.
Couples who are having marital difficulties that they have been
unable to resolve on their own and would like to renew and repair
their relationship are well advised to try marriage counseling.
If a couple is heading toward a possible divorce and have not
tried marriage counseling, they will never know for sure whether
they could have preserved their marriage unless they make the
effort. Even if the couple eventually decides to divorce they
will most likely have benefited by the work they have done,
the insights they have had, and the skills they have learned
during marriage counseling. These benefits can help them in
the decoupling process that takes place during and after a separation
or divorce.
